


safe in the 5 a.m. light

by estherroberts



Category: Alta Mar | High Seas (TV 2019)
Genre: Autistic Character, F/F, unmasking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 09:09:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29623977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estherroberts/pseuds/estherroberts
Summary: casandra sees the armor carolina puts on every morning, and wants to give her a place she doesn't have to wear it.
Relationships: Casandra Leonormand/Carolina Villanueva
Comments: 8
Kudos: 7





	safe in the 5 a.m. light

**Author's Note:**

> this fic technically takes place after, or kind of as a part of, the series [one another's present tense](https://archiveofourown.org/series/2201079) but it works just as well on its own!
> 
> title is from “technicolor beat” by oh wonder

casandra, from the comfort of the covers, watches as carolina gets dressed. the transformation that settles over her is subtle, but casandra notices it all the same, just as she does every morning. carolina dresses as though preparing for war; each of her muscles shift into a locked and defensive position with each article of clothing she dons. now, fully clothed, her posture is perfect, her movements jerkier, as she puppeteers herself across the bedroom. 

casandra wonders if carolina’s even aware she’s doing it. she rolls herself out of bed and lands lightly on her feet, walking over to carolina and stopping her in her tracks. 

“yes?” carolina’s eyes flicker up to meet casandra’s and move away, dancing around the room and back again. 

“are you in a rush?” 

carolina tilts her head, considering. “no, why?”

“i wanna ask you something.” she’s not exactly sure how to phrase it, only that this tension she sees in her partner is just one of many concerns she has for her. 

“of course.” carolina’s eyes have settled now, and she looks back into casanda’s eyes steadily. 

“do you know… are you aware how…” she bites her lip. “it’s hard for me to watch you build yourself up every morning. like, in order to face the world you put on all this armor…” 

carolina looks away. 

“do you know what i’m talking about?”

she nods, ever so slightly. 

“sometimes, you just seem like you’re holding yourself back from something.” casandra can see tears start to well in carolina’s eyes, so she holds her hands lightly against her cheeks.

“i… i have to,” carolina says, and swallows. “i think it’s habit, now, but when i was younger i remember trying so hard to, to…” 

“to what?” 

“to just. be _normal_ ,” carolina whispers, and one tear snakes down her cheek. “or perfect.” 

casandra wipes the tear away with her thumb and holds carolina’s face tighter in her hands. “aren’t you tired, mi amor? that sounds exhausting.” 

something in carolina cracks. she collapses into casandra’s arms and cries into her shoulders. 

casandra holds her there, letting her cry for a moment or two. when her tears slow, casandra guides her over to the bed. they sit, and she holds both of her hands. 

“i’m sorry,” carolina whispers, using her shoulder to wipe a tear from her cheek. she sniffles. “i didn’t think... i didn’t think you could see it.”

“well,” casandra chuckles. “i don’t think it’s obvious, it’s just, carolina, i see you... _so_ clearly. i see everything you do, all your little habits, your quirks… and sometimes i think if i could watch you all day, i would.”

“oh.” she looks flustered, even though her eyes are still watery. “right.” 

casandra can’t help but smile a little. 

carolina smiles back. “i’m sorry,” she says again. 

“there isn’t anything to apologize for.”

carolina hums, either in agreement or out of reluctance to argue. she seems calmer now, a little more steady, and the last of her tears have dried on her cheeks. 

“do you wanna talk about it?” casandra asks, lifting one of carolina’s hands to her lips and kissing it. 

“i think so.” she takes a deep breath. “i think... i think it started when i was a kid.” 

“that would make sense.” 

“mhm.” carolina chews her lip for a moment, looking down. “you know, my mother died when i was very little. about four. and... and, you know, i had... more of a relationship with her than eva did, she can barely remember her.”

“of course.” 

“right. well, anyway, when i was younger, i was... a little strange? according to francisca, and my father, and, you know, of course, anyone who knew me. and i can remember feeling that way, like there were all these rules that i just didn’t get. and i didn’t like to talk, and i liked to hide, and, you know. you understand.” she shrugs. 

“mhm.”

“so, my mother decided it was her job to help me.”

“ah.”

“yeah. it’s just that... it was hard for her, to have a child that—” carolina cuts herself off and takes another deep breath. “she just wanted to help. she would take me aside, and tell me when i was doing something wrong, tell me... whatever rule it was i had misunderstood. and i used to go over them in my head, over and over, just.... when to talk, when to listen, that... that if things were too loud, i couldn’t cry, or... that i had to look people in the eyes, and—” 

carolina looks more and more distraught, so casandra gathers her in her arms and holds her again for a long while. she can tell that carolina doesn’t blame her mother for this, and she wants to respect that. but she feels an intense protectiveness for the child that carolina used to be. 

when they finally break apart, carolina says, “but… when she died, i didn’t have a rulebook anymore.”

“yeah.”

“and i tried to teach the rules to eva, but mostly she didn’t need them, and then once she understood them, all she wanted to do was break them.” carolina laughs a little. “so i thought, you know, one of us has to be the good one.”

casandra tucks carolina’s hair behind her ear. “carolina... even without the rules... even without all of this... you are _good_. it’s just part of who you are.” 

“sure.” 

“i’m serious.”

carolina hums again. she moves closer to casandra and leans on her. 

“i love you,” casandra says. 

“i love you too.” carolina turns and kisses her shoulder before resting her head back down again. 

“you don’t have to do that with me, you know?” casandra whispers. “wear that mask?” 

“okay.” carolina’s whisper is even quieter. “i just... i don’t even know what i would look like. without it.” 

casandra runs her fingers through carolina’s hair. she lets the statement hang there for a moment, giving carolina’s concerns the respect they deserve before diving in with a solution. she wants to help, but she knows this needs to be slow. “has there ever been anything... that you wanted to do recently that you stopped yourself from?”

carolina laughs. “you mean, besides kiss you in public?”

“yes,” casandra answers with a chuckle. but she feels it too, that aching desire she knows is behind carolina’s quip.

“hm.” she sits up and turns to face casandra again. 

“like, what kinds of things did your mother tell you not to do?”

“oh,” carolina weaves her fingers back together with casandra’s, “i used to do things with my hands.”

“like what?”

“like...” she trails off and squeezes casandra’s hand. “i don’t know. i’m sorry, it’s embarrassing.”

“it’s okay. it’s just... i think i know what you’re talking about.”

“yeah?”

“there was one time, well, okay, maybe more than once. where... you. your guard was down, i don’t even know if you knew you were doing it. but you were laying in bed, and looking over at me, and you were a little out of breath—” casandra smiles with a hint of pride. “and your hand was at your chest.” she puts her own hand over her heart. “and you were so happy you just...” she flutters her fingers quickly for a moment to demonstrate. “and it was so cute... i just. _melted_.” 

carolina blushes. “you... thought it was cute?”

“por dios, carolina, _yes_. it was... an expression of your trust. i can’t tell you how much i appreciate that.”

carolina’s fingers twitch like they want to flutter again. 

“see!” casandra points. “just... like that. you don’t have to stop yourself.” 

she turns casandra’s hand over and lets her fingers _taptaptaptaptap_ onto casandra’s palm. 

“how does that feel?”

carolina looks up at her, and her eyes are shining, an expression of something like relief all over her face. she taps faster, her fingers starting to move in unison as her whole hand taps and shakes against casandra’s. she grins. “good, actually?”

“good!” she pulls carolina closer and kisses her. “now, i’m sure you have things to do today that i have derailed you from, but... thank you, for letting me.”

“of course.” carolina smiles. “and thank you, for this... i’m sure—you know, i’m sure there’s a lot more, to explore, or to—to talk about, but... i feel... it’s a start.”

“yes.”

“yes.” carolina stands up and straightens her clothes. she looks at casandra and the love casandra sees in that expression nearly blinds her.

“okay,” she says, trying to recover. she takes a deep breath and grins. “have a good day!”

“you too!” carolina grabs her purse and leaves, blowing casandra a kiss as she turns out the door. 

casandra flops backward onto the bed and grins, her hand tapping happily against the sheets.

**Author's Note:**

> biggest thank you to alex summerwoodsmoke for your notes and lizzie of lizzieraindrops for your sensitivity readership !!
> 
> come say hi on tumblr, you can find me at patron-saints, or let me know what you think in the comments! <3


End file.
